Things Too Small
by BarkingLynx
Summary: For their own fanfic, anyway. A collection of oneshots and outlines that i didn't like enough to flesh out. Lots of swearing.
1. Chapter 1

So a few days ago I decided I needed somewhere to post all of my oneshots and small AUs that weren't big emough for whole fanfictions. And here it is! If you like any of my ideas in here and wanna use them for a fanfic, you should totally tell me. That'd be cool as hell. All of these are stand-alone oneshots unless I say otherwise in the AN for whatever reason. I warn you now, these will mostly be non-proofread thoughts typed up at 2:00 from my phone. This particular oneshot was inspired by a tumblr post. "can u guys just imagine sirius running around hogwarts yelling 'parkour!' and jumping off of walls and hanging on chandeliers and crashing on top of a bunch of first years by accident"

(tumblr user lupinely, follow them))

- Of Ill-advised Stunts and Athletic Professors

Sirius Black didn't know how to feel about the new Alchemy professor. The Black heir knew he was cute, or at least thought so from a few brief glances at dinner. He looked young, too. But seeing as Sirius didn't attend his class- it required a decent Potions grade and a year of Ancient Runes- the Gryffindor only knew what he'd heard from other students about the man. Professor Elric spent every waking moment out of class in the library, never talking to anyone at all, the rumors said. Sirius was inclined to believe them as he'd only very rarely seen the man and he never set foot in the library. Elric was also very strict. Sirius had even heard some of his students call him a slave driver.

But the lonesome Alchemy professor was not on the Gryffindor's mind as he decided that now would be an excellent time to do something stupid.

"Hey James," he said slowly, grinning. "watch this."

Sirius hadn't exactly planned what he was going to do, so he had to think fast. His mind flashed back to the muggle action movies he'd watched with Remus over the summer. The Black heir decided that emulating one would be a great stupid idea and broke in to the hardest sprint he could, yelling loudly as he did.

Edward Elric, meanwhile, was having an incredibly shitty day. The eighteen year old professor scowled as he stomped down the halls, grumbling under his breath. Ed didn't need 'some fresh air'! He had studying to do, lessons to plan and a brother to return to. But he couldn't override the temporary ban from the library that the headmaster had placed on him. Really, Ed had tried. So the young alchemist marched towards what he hoped to be an exit, but was too proud to ask about.

Well, he was, until he heard a student yell and his body slid in to a defensive stance. Ed took off full-pelt down the hallway towards where the yell, prepared to break up, join or start a fight. Unfortunately (fortunately?) there was no fight. Just a student trying to flip in air as he ran. Edward's scowl deepend as he mentally confessed that Black's jump was actually not bad. For someone with zero training, anyway. The fourth-year soon crashed in to a crowd of first-years. A smile tugged at Ed's lips, looking rather out of place below his irritated eyes.

"Black!" The young professor barked, popping his knuckles and rolling his shoulders. A grin crossed his face.

Sirius had quickly decided that he was fucked when he saw who had came to investigate the yelling. The Alchemy students' complaints swam around his head. Terms like 'strict' 'a slave driver' and 'five-foot essay' particularly called out to him. And- hell, was the professor going to beat him? He certainly looked like he was ready for a fight. For the first time in his school career, Sirius' voice shook a little when he responded to te teacher.

"S-sir?" He called back, eyes trained on Elric's form. The alchemist's response couldn't have surprised him more.

"Watch and learn!" Professor Elric shouted, voice thick with an unrecognizable accent. The gold-eyed man backed up a few steps and then ran forward again, springing in to the air. Elric took brief advantage of the castle's strange architecture, grabbing on to a lower beam and using it to propel himself forward. When he let go, he managed a flip and landed clear of the firsties, still grinning.

"Five points from Gryffindor for being fuckin' awful at whatever you were trying to do."

The present Gryffindors whispered protests, but the alchemist was walking away.

"But I'll give them back for the attempt."

Sirius decided then that he liked Professor Elric, supposed slave driver or not.


	2. The Werewolf and the Obnoxious Bartender

((hey! so i dunno how this one's gonna read; my tense slipped once or twice and idk if i fixed it or not. i love remus lupin dearly but i will leave writing him to those who understand him a bit better. was fun, don't like the turnout. eh.))

-ALCOHOL CW-

James and Lily were dead. Sirius betrayed them. The young werewolf had to keep repeating it or it might never sink in.

Remus stumbled brokenly into a small bar on the edge of Hogsmeade. The shattered man tried to block out the din of the celebrating crowd, because what were they truly celebrating? The death of two fantastic prople and the orphaning of their infant son. It was two days after the terrible night, and now that Remus was could move he had decided to take a page from Sirius's (shit, don't think about Sirius, don't think about him) book and get drunk.

Pushing his way through the crowd, Remus managed to find a seat at the bar next to the wall. His meager life savings were going to be spent entirely on alcohol and after everything he couldn't bring himself to be sorry. The small bar wasn't quite as packed as The Three Broomsticks or the Hog's Head, and the werewolf couldn't have been more grateful for that. While it was still loud, overwhelming and annoying, the bartender looked like he'd be able to serve Remus sooner rather than later.

Soon came faster than Remus had expected, or maybe it was the exact amount of time Remus had expected and he was so delirious from pain that he wasn't experiencing time just right. The werewolf didn't trust anything anymore. Seeing he had Remus's attention, the bartender dragged a stool over and jumped in to it, peering at Remus with golden eyes that looked as if they could pierce his very soul. Remus wondered briefly if the man was a werewolf, as he'd only seen that golden color in wolves, but quickly dismissed the thought. He had a job, after all, Remus thought bitterly.

"Friend of the Potters?" The bartender asked softly, startling Remus out of his bitter contemplation. Remus nodded, half expecting the meaningless apology those celebrating the Dark Lord's fall tended to give him. It never came, only a gruff sound of acknowledgement. When the werewolf found his voice, he ordered a firewhiskey and was nearly absorbed in his thoughts again until the bartender returned with his drink and spoke again.

"One is all, all is One." The golden-eyed man stated as he set the glass down infront of the werewolf.

"What?" Remus snapped, in no mood for bullshit. Especially not from a man reminding him far too much of Sirius, with the way he perched on the stool and spouted nonsense in the most unusual times. Remus could have sworn he smelled the faintest hint of motor oil clinging to him, too.

Once again, the bartender's voice snapped him out of it.

"Your friends are dead and the now famous child an orphan." The man deadpanned. Remus felt a bubble of rage and began to stand up, but the golden man raised his hand.

"Not finished. Sure, it's fucking sad. But you aren't the first or last person to loose your friends and he sure as hell isn't the first or last person to loose his parents." His voice shook a little at his last line. Remus felt an unbidden pang of sympathy. "Mourn. Then move forward." The sympathy is replaced by anger again.

"Yeah?" Remus snapped, and blurted out more than he meant to. "Where does a werewolf move forward to?!" Remus snarls in a harsh whisper. The bartender raised his eyebrows. Remus prepared to be kicked out. Instead, the infuriating but wise bartender spoke again.

"Well, you'll need a job. Finding a cure sounds like a good direction, doesn't it?"

"A cure is impossible!"

"As of right now. Maybe not in ten years. Maybe not in fifteen minutes. Never, if no one works on it. Even if you can't manage it in your lifespan, someone someday could pick up your research and save people." The bartender smirked. Remus nodded sharply.

To the werewolf's surprise, a sheet of paper was slid infront of him, obviously a job application. But no one hired a danger to society and Remus had just told the man what he was! And that damn bartender was still smirking. "What?" Remus finally snapped, looking down at the application.

"Fill it out and bring it back, genius- but you should probably wait a few weeks. Damn fuckin' celebrators. I'm Ed. The bastard doing my job is Mustang. Roy. Whatever. Don't argue." The bartender- Ed- whispered harshly, grinning. Feeling incredibly dumb, Remus reached to his moneybag- only to have his hand stopped by Ed the undecipherable.

"On me."

Remus leaves that night with a hint of hope and maybe even a job, and that was more than he thought he'd have left with before.


End file.
